Friday, May 6, 2011

A Mother's Love

This post will not be a typical post where I talk about how the Payne's life is going and fill it with pictures of Colleen and/or Cambryn.  This post is about reflection.  This weekend is Mother's Day and I don't know why, I just felt the need to express some things that have been running through my head lately.  First, let me start by saying I know there are some people that although they may love children, just have no desire to have any children of their own.  That is fine, absolutely nothing wrong with that.  But, then there are those who just have this desire, a longing you could say, to be a mother.  I knew from a very young age, I wanted to be a mom.  I have always loved kids and wanted them.  I had always envisioned myself with a child around the age of 25 or so, but that was not the case.  However, before I get into that, I just have some other things I just feel like I should share.

Earlier this week on facebook, I posted about two women that I had recently learned a little more about.  I will go into more details about each of those women now and how lucky I am to have met them.  The first one, we can call K, has a very sweet and I must add handsome, young 4 year old son (well, he will be 4 next Friday!) - who goes to school with Colleen and just happens to think she is super cute!!  I knew who this mom was for a little while, but never really spoke to her other than a passing Hi and smile when dropping off the kids at school.  Plus, we see each other at church every week.  Last week, we got an invite to her son's birthday party.  I spoke to her briefly at church regarding the party and something told me to "friend" her on facebook (that crazy facebook!).  Throughout that afternoon and the next day, we ended up sending messages back and forth through facebook that started off about work, but took a turn to family.  Throughout the messages, I found out the K had donated 18 eggs to other women to help other women become mothers.  K told me she had a little boy and wanted other women to experience that joy as well.  It started off actually with a friend having fertility troubles and using an egg donor was an option and after seeing the joy the friend had, K decided she should give that joy to other women.  During this time, she had to take alot of hormones.  She didn't realize until after she had donated 18 (which is the max you can donate) that the hormones had taken quite a toll on her body.  She has come to the conclusion that the precious boy she has will most likely be her one and only.  I really had to think about the sacrifice she made in not being able to have other children just so other women could.  How selfless can you be?  She is an angel to so many other women.  I am not sure she sees herself as an angel, but I bet there are quite a few women who do. 

Another women I got to know this week has a little bit different story.  She didn't help women become a mother...she became a mother to one special little boy.  We will call her A.  I will be honest and say I do not have all the details.  Many came during a sporting event, so I did not catch them all - but what I do know still sticks in my mind.  A did not just adopt any child...she adopted a 6 year old child with special needs (4 conditions that include such things as autism) and who had been in and out of I think I heard 13 homes.  Being in and out that many foster homes is a big enough struggle, but then you tack on the 4 conditions and this women has given up her freedom and is tackling a challenge that not many would...we can say for sure at least 12 refused the challenge.  She knew this child would not only have the issues of being in and out of so many foster homes, but she knew this child had several medical conditions to deal with.  But that didn't stop her from giving this child what all children desire...a mother who loves them with all their heart and will do anything for them.  A is truly an angel to this little boy and should be commended for it.  It takes one huge heart to take that one.

When thinking about these two women, there are not alot of women that would do what they have done.  I will be honest and say I know it would be difficult for me to do either.  Russell and I would really have to give alot of thought into it, but I don't know that I could have. 

Russell and I had our own challenges with children.  Not many people know that while trying to have a second child, I had to have a very large pre-cancerous polyp removed from my colon.  We had been trying to conceive for about 6 months and I was really trying to avoid going to a doctor for this problem I was having, but it got pretty severe and I did not have a choice.  I finally saw a specialist and had to have the ever-so-lovely colonoscopy.  The doctor told us that the polyp was so large, if I would not have had it removed now, he had no doubt I would have had advanced colon cancer within 5-7 years.  He also told me no doctor would believe the size of the polyp because of my age, so he gave me the lab results as proof.  My life turned upside down at that time.  I thought about Colleen and how I never wanted to miss anything she had.  So, I was so thankful that I had finally gone to the doctor.  I viewed that as God's way of telling me it was not time for us to have another child.  It was at time also that I re-dedicated my life and really realized that I had to remember it is not my plan, but God's plan and he has full control over everything.

Several months later in October 2010, Russell and I had another setback and I miscarried.  I found out on a Monday that we were expecting at the doctor's office that was meant to be a routine exam.  Because we found out so early, the doctor's office wanted to do some blood work throughout that week, so I was to go back on Wednesday.  I did that.  At church that evening, I started loosing the baby.  I broke down on the way home from church and called the doctor on call.  Because I was so early, they could not do anything, but tell me to call first thing in the morning.  So, I did and by that time, the doctor's office had gotten the blood work back and sure enough, they confirmed I was miscarrying and asked me to come in immediately.  During that visit, the doctor did an ultrasound and found something that looked a little interesting and told me her thoughts, but needed a little more information from me.  Over the next couple of days, I provided that to her for her to analyze.  While I waited for a response from her, I thought and I thought, and I thought about what I had done over the last week trying to think if there was something I did that caused this.  I blamed myself for it.  I was emotionally and physically exhausted.  Finally, the doctor called back and what had happened was  something I had no control over.  It was my body and my hormones.  The doctor called in a prescription and apparently her diagnosis was right on because we are not expecting our little Cambryn. 

Several people know what has happened or they know bits and pieces, but it's during this time I felt the need to reflect and think about what women go through to become mothers.  I have several friends who have struggled with fertility with one who had exhausted all options and was of the thought she would never experience the joy of pregnancy.  It was pure by what she has defined a miracle, that she now has a precious 2 year old little girl.  I now find humor in the fact that "men" determine the sex of the baby, but deep down, I know it is God who truly determines some of these things and it is his will.  We should not focus on one gender or another...we should focus on the health of child.  I know everyone may have a preference, but does gender truly matter.  I don't care that I will have two girls, I care about the fact that God has blessed me with two healthy girls.  Becoming a mother is a precious gift that God has blessed us with.  I have finally realized I have little control over anything.  With God in charge, I have no worries. 

I will close this post now and thank K and A for coming into my life and sharing their stories with me.  As Pastor Gary said last week, we need to embrace those changes that God places in our life.  Thanks for reading.